For those of you reading this who know me personally, and those others whom have tuned in since then … this post is me spilling the beans on something I really hadn’t told anyone … not this clearly anyway, and no more than 2 or 3 close friends … and it may come as a surprise to you.
The thing is, as passionate as I am about this, and as much as I sometimes say this is all I want to do in life … the truth is, I also resent very much being forced into the position where I have to, because all I ever really wanted to do growing up, was act, write, make / play games, and make films.
It was at the start of high school in my teenage years when I discovered my passion for film, though I already loved any form of acting, artwork, creating, designing and generally making things … and by the end of high school, that’s what I was convinced I was going to do … even though I didn’t know how.
I set out after high school trying to make money, because that’s what you’re supposed to do right? … but I found it was really hard to achieve everything simultaneously:
- To make money & support myself;
- To be happy, have fun, and find love;
- To still have enough time, money and focus after all that, to remember to pursue what it was that I loved.
A lot of things happened … a lot of things that at the time, I really wish hadn’t happened and wasn’t happening … and a lot of it hurt, including those things that hurt others, then hurt me in return, because I knew it was my fault.
Life took me on a bunch of twists and turns that had nothing to do with anything I was previously interested in … but in the process I learned, that I was not the only one this was happening to … and that by far, as painful as my journey was, it must have been relatively easy compared to the journey of some others I met along the way, many of them fell by the wayside as it were, unable to go on in life … others who somehow survived, and even flourished.
What I came to realise was that life was full of injustice, misfortune, and that whether your life was enjoyable or not, was more than just a little bit due to pure pot luck.
If you’re unlucky enough to be a woman in some countries, you’re just property.
If you’re unlucky enough to be poor, gay or black in others, you’re alienated as a 2nd class citizen.
If you’re unlucky enough not to be human, then it you’re domesticated, there’s a good chance you’re just food.
At some stage I started seeing beyond my own troubles, though in all honesty, it was to some degree motivated by selfish interest (at first), as I wanted a better world for myself … and I still do, but it’s about a lot more than just me now.
The point is … if I could just have been a happy kid, teenager and then adult, who ended up making films, games, and other cool stuff … who became a millionaire, and got to have sex with lots of hot chicks … I’m pretty sure I’d have been happy doing that … but let’s face it, my films would have been superficial, boring, and unfulfilling … by the standards I have now.
So when I now look at all I’ve achieved, and can still achieve … don’t get me wrong, I am very happy with it … and when I think about how I’ve changed and who I’ve become, I think I have a lot of reason to be proud of myself … I certainly wouldn’t trade this person I am, for whom I would otherwise have been … not for anything … because I’m pretty sure I’ve met that guy many times, and I’ve never fucking liked him.
Nonetheless … I still resent being forced into all this … because if a lot of “someone elses” before me, had just half a fucking backbone between them, I’d not have been born into a world this fucked up and ugly, so I wouldn’t have had to change who I was going to become, I could have been proud of it from the start … and I could have been the guy who had lots of fun making great films and great games, that we’re all extremely profound and brilliant … and I could still have fucked a lot of hot chicks, but at the very least made a connection with them as well, one human and friend to another.
I never wanted to save the world … I never wanted to have to … I should have been born into a world where none of this mass extinction caused by humans was even possible.
But here we all are.
What are we going to do about it?