Agent: “Sir! Sir!! SIR!!!”
Commander: “what is it?”
Agent: “we have a new player … an Australian based terrorist … he’s trying to make the world a better place!!”
Commander: “get the President on the … oh fuck it … don’t wake him … send in a drone strike … where is he?”
Agent: “you know, Australia … that place on the other side of the planet … you know, the one with the giant mice”
Commander: “the what?”
Agent: “you know … the big hoppy things”
Commander: “I thought I told you guys, no more weed at work!”
Agent: “sorry sir, but the Colombians just delivered our cut of the imports, and we were all still a bit stressed from those statistics about the decline of Christianity … it’s scary living on a planet with so many atheists … what if they eat our babies? I heard they like baby sandwiches!”
Commander: “stop panicking! There’ll be no baby sandwiches on my watch!”
Agent: “so do you still want me to order the drone strike?”
Commander: “hmmm … better err on the side of caution … nuke Melbourne, take out the entire city … if there’s one, there’s probably others”
Agent: “yes sir … and sir … would you like the usual satellite imagery of the kill zone delivered to your private quarters?”
Commander: “yes … but no more than 5-10 frames per second … and don’t forget I need another tube of KY jelly from the supply store … my hands are still too dry and rough from all the gardening on the weekend”
NOW … I don’t know if it’s unfair to accuse these guys of masturbating to footage of cities of people being nuked … but I do kinda wonder sometimes what the fuck goes through these people’s minds as they continually support the destruction of the planet, and undermine any efforts to make life remotely fair or reasonable … or dare I say it “nice” … all I know is they do seem to have a penchant for violence and an irrational fear of sanity … so whatever’s going on in their heads, it’s likely to be pretty fucked up.
I hope everyone got a laugh out of that … as I guess you’re starting to see, in addition to my serious side, I’m not averse to a bit of fun … to be honest, I wish none of this were necessary, but the fact remains that it is … we’ve got one planet, we’re fucking it up, and so as long as I’m in desperate need of cathartic therapy through writing, I might as well get a laugh out of it.