The Perfect Cover Letter

Just for a bit of fun, I thought I’d post this … I’m quite seriously going to send it if I can find a job with an organisation that doesn’t immediately make me think “run away” … but I’m hoping all humour aside, it might shift some attitudes out there, particularly in the human resources and recruitment fields.


To whom it may concern,

To help determine if I’m a cultural-fit for your organisation, and to save myself the frustration & stress of an environment which reminds me why I want to leave this planet, terraform another, then quarantine it from most humans: I’ll be extremely blunt and as humorous as I can.

  • I’ve had a 25 year obsession with ecological and social justice and sustainability;
  • I’ve never finished a basic undergrad degree (despite about 20 years worth of formal & informal tertiary-level study & research across 4 universities, 2 TAFE colleges, various other private institutions, plus private study);
  • I’ve met several academics who mistakenly thought I was a lecturer or PhD graduate;
  • I accept nothing as fact without evidence, however: I’m open-minded enough to nonetheless consider and contemplate any and all possibility and probability, which is not otherwise already (and certainly) falsified by the evidence and reason applicable to the context in question;
  • I’m unapologetically grumpy & curmudgeon at times, but;
  • I prefer being happy & laughing when I can forget how insane the world is;
  • I think most corporate environments feel alien, “company policy” is about ritualistically shooting oneself in the foot, and I only want to be a “team player” AFTER finding people I can actually relate to and work with effectively (then isolate, buffer & interface our team to the organisation);
  • If I could find a company that didn’t feel this way, I’d immediately get a pathology check for hallucinogens in my system, start thinking back to whether I’d recently met anyone claiming to be from a parallel universe, and electrify a bunker under my house to shield my thoughts;
  • I don’t wear suits unless they’re necessary for a valid reason other than “because”;
  • I don’t kiss arse and I’m not a yes-man, but I’m sure you’ve got plenty;
  • I have no interest in jobs without the authority & budget to act effectively;
  • I’m an amphi-agnostic-atheist-anarchist-artist-hedonist-Jedi-Mathematician, I look like the love child of a Hobbit with gigantism that shagged a Wookie after a big night out at The Green Dragon, and I don’t want to work with anyone who didn’t at least smile while reading that;
  • I’ve done more than 100 jobs in my nearly half century of life, which includes:
    • about 8 years of account / relationship / sales management, new business development, sales training, and other sales related roles;
    • 12 years of labouring, rigger / scaffolder, and audiovisual / technical work across entertainment, events, construction, demolition, industrial maintenance, and data-cabling of payTV and telephony services;
  • There’s not likely many parts of your operations I couldn’t quickly figure out from past experience &/or extrapolate from first principles of logic, maths, science etc.;
  • I don’t want to stay with your company 20-50 years, but you shouldn’t care anyway since no matter how long I’m there, what’s important is that your ROI from employing me exceeds what you could have attained from alternative investments, and without additional detrimental consequences;
  • The very fact I can so eloquently enunciate these principles should tell you the answer to that;

If you’re not impressed by this I wish you all the best in finding someone stupid enough to work for you.

Regards & Best Wishes,

Trevor Alexander Rose.

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